The Most Important Thing I’ve Learned Since Getting Married

I’ve been married to my husband for almost 5 years. I of course don’t know the perfect answer to having a long lasting marriage. I do believe many factors play into having a successful marriage. This is the most important thing I’ve learned since getting married.

Asking Other People Their Secret to A Happy Marriage:

Common Answers

When you ask married couples what their secret is to a long lasting marriage, you may hear things like

“marriage is about compromise”

“always put your relationship first”

 “always date your partner” 

“your relationship needs to be 50/50”

 and my personal favorite

 “never go to bed angry” (I’ve written a blog post that details why I don’t agree with this statement)

Before I got married, I thought compromise and being 50/50 with your partner was pretty good advice. But after being married for a few years I have realized that’s not necessarily true.

My Opinion:

Compromise isn’t always the answer

I definitely don’t think marriage has to be 50/50. To me, when you are trying to be 50/50, this means it’s always going to be a contest. You will always look back to see who compromised the last time. To me, it feels like striving to have a 50/50 marriage is just like keeping a score sheet. You will always be looking back to see whose winning with all the compromises.

Relationships First?

I also think that you can’t always put your relationship first. As you get older, you may have children. You will watch your family members get older along the way. There will be times where you can’t put your relationship first no matter how hard you really want to. And I know a lot of people probably wouldn’t agree with that. But in my personal experience, it really is impossible to put your relationship first over everything else.

There are so many other factors in people’s lives that play a huge role. But I think learning how to balance it all is very important. I don’t think anyone should ever put their relationship on the back burner. It is okay to prioritize your relationship at times. There will be times that you will be able to. But there are other times where there’s no way you can. But that doesn’t mean your relationship isn’t important to you. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love the person that you are with.

It’s Okay To Go To Bed Angry

And of course as I mentioned before, I really think it’s okay to go to bed angry. I think it’s okay to sleep when you’re mad. This can give you time to think about the situation and gather your thoughts appropriately.

I ask my patients often what their secret to a happy marriage is. Those 5 things listed above are probably the most common ‘answers’ I’ve heard.

But in my opinion, I think all those secrets are on a completely different level than what I’m about to say.

Again, this is about MY opinion about MY marriage.

The Most Important Thing I’ve Learned Since Getting Married

The most important thing I’ve learned since getting married is that it is important to communicate and understand. Trying to understand where you partner is coming from will bring you success.

I can’t say communication is enough in itself. Being able to communicate and trying to understand your partner’s beliefs and opinions is equally important.

I may not always agree with what my husband is saying or feeling. I know he definitely doesn’t feel that way with me. But to me, marriage isn’t built on compromise. It’s not built on just communication. It’s not built on making everything 50/50, and it’s not built on putting your relationship first. It definitely is all about a healthy balance.

Now, I definitely don’t think that compromise doesn’t and can’t happen in a marriage. I do think being able to compromise with your partner is important. But I definitely don’t think that’s what makes a marriage successful.

I am not perfect, and I am working on this daily within my relationship. I am learning that it is important to listen to your partner. Even if you don’t agree with what they are saying. I think it is KEY to try and understand their opinion and their views. The better you are at understanding their position the better the communication and the better the marriage.

My Experience

Now of course, I am 29 years old and have only been married for 5 years. Anyone reading this can take my advice/opinion with a grain of salt. But it’s been a while since I wrote a blog post about marriage.

This is definitely the most important lesson I’ve learned since getting married. This is what provides me with comfort knowing that I am giving my relationship my all. I try to listen more and understand where my partner is coming from. And that will give me the healthy relationship I’ve always desired. 

And I am definitely not an expert at this… yet. But I’m trying to get there every day. It’s definitely easier said than done, and it’s probably always going to be a work in progress.