Time-Stamped Grief: A Walk Back through My Journal’s Pages

Things That Are Different Since My Mothers Diagnosis

Written September 7, 2022

After my session last week, I cried all the way home, which isn’t normal for me. Typically, after therapy I feel more calm and peaceful than when I walked in – even though it’s only temporary. But this time I couldn’t stop thinking about all the ways my mothers Alzheimer’s diagnosis changed me.  I never expected it to change me in as many ways that it did.

When I was in the beginning stages of my grief, my father screamed at me and said, “It isn’t about you!”. Luckily, I was strong and smart enough to never believe him. But he was right in some way.. It wasn’t JUST about me. In reality, it’s about everyone in my family that’s been affected by it. It’s not just about me, and it’s not just about my mom.

I never knew grief would be so hard. I was completely ignorant to grief, and I still think I am – not completely though.  I thought after all this time, everything would get easier, but it still feels like such a blur.  Since she’s been gone, my life looks so different. 

My compassion is different. It’s more intense – which I didn’t know was even possible. I’m more compassionate because I have a daily reminder that life is short.  

My fear is different. I’m scared of a whole lot more than what I used to be.  I can’t say I ever feared the future before my mothers diagnosis. I mean, what was there to be scared of? Now I’m scared of every single thing. I fear my entire life going forward. I fear all the changes that will happen once shes gone. I fear all of the experiences I will have without her. I fear that one day the grief and the pain will be too much that I won’t be able to go on. I fear that I won’t be strong enough to stop myself from the pain.

My strength is different.  I can’t quite describe this yet because I know I’m nowhere near as strong as I am going to be. This part will be unwritten for a while. But I can say that I never knew this type of strength could ever exist inside me. 

My faith is different. Not the god-related faith, but the faith, belief and understanding that everything happens for a reason.  I had always lived by that mantra, and I’ve seen it come to fruition many times in my life. I never thought I would question that belief. I never had a reason to question it, but now I always do. 

I raise my son differently. I don’t take one moment for granted. I want to always give him what I no longer have. It’s continuous motivation to be the best mother I can be. 

I grieve and communicate differently. It’s a work in progress, daily.  In the beginning, I kept the grief to myself – especially in fear of not getting the reassurance I needed. I didn’t need anyone telling me that ‘it would be okay’. I didn’t need or want sympathy from someone who never experienced the situation. But now, I can be more open with my grief and my communication because I’ve slowly seen the positives in it.

I never knew grief before this. I definitely never expected it to come this severely.  The pain, the anger, the huge hole and the constant void. I never knew grief would bring so many changes along with so many lessons. Grief is painful, but can also be inspiring.  

Related Blog Posts:
Resentment on Mothers Day
My Mothers Alzheimer’s Diagnosis
I Hate Doctor’s Appointments