Resentment on Mother’s Day

My least favorite day of the year has finally come and gone. Planning and going on a vacation kept me pretty distracted from this day, but it still hit me like a ton of bricks. For anyone who has lost a parent, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day can be a day of mourning rather than a day of celebration.  I chose to spend this Mother’s Day off of Social Media, and then was able to gather and process my thoughts once the day came and went. Social Media can fill me with resentment on Mother’s Day. 

It wasn’t always like this. I remember (although vaguely) the celebration that Mother’s Day used to be. Although I don’t remember the specifics of this day in the past, I do know that Mother’s Day was celebrated as a joyous occasion for 25 years growing up.

My mother was diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer’s almost 5 years ago. Since then, this holiday hasn’t been an easy one to celebrate. 

It’s become the norm for me to dread Holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. Even birthdays have a different feeling than they did in the past. But nothing hurts quite as much as Mother’s Day. The anticipation leading up to these special occasions can sometimes be more painful than the day itself, however Mother’s Day will always sting a lot more than the others.

Social Media on Mother’s Day is especially painful. My Social  feeds are filled with mother-daughter outings, beautiful pictures of mother-daughter hugs, gifts and cards, and heartfelt messages. I can’t help but feel resentment on Mother’s Day.

I try to remind myself of the positive memories from this day. But the only thing that comes to mind are feelings of jealousy and pain. There are moments where I feel angry when I read those long heartfelt messages of love from a daughter to her mother. I’m jealous that I no longer have the ability to tell my mother the same things that I see on social media. 

I’ve always been scared of what life without my mother is like. A life without guidance and support. A life without advice from the woman who has already experienced everything. A life without any reassurance when life gets tough. 

Can I physically tell my mother all the things I appreciate about her? Luckily, I can. 

I can verbally tell her all of these things. But there is nothing that sounds more wasteful than that. And that may sound harsh, but let me explain. 

Expressing and sharing the pride and love I have for my mother, to my mother, is now just wasted breath. She doesn’t understand, and she can’t feel it like she used to. But I still share my feelings when I can. I tell her I love her and try to bring up memories when I can. But it always hurts when she doesn’t remember. 

My world stopped when my mother received her diagnosis. And I’ve been left to pick up the pieces since that day. I miss the woman I used to know. I miss the woman I used to have. And I miss the Mother’s Day celebrations that I will never have again. 

Despite the grief and heartache, along with the pain and sadness that this day brings, I can look back and remember the love that my mother gave to me. The mother who was never medically supposed to have children. The mother who gave me endless support and infinite love for my 26 years of life. I always have to remind myself of the mother that she used to be, and the memories we made, while trying not to think about all that’s been lost. 

Social media can trigger resentment on Holidays when you’ve lost a parent. And it’s important to accept those feelings and feel them when you need to.  

I pray and hope that every year that passes, my healing journey will continue, but these special holidays will always be especially hard.