Motherhood In The Moment

November Update

I have been thinking A TON lately about how my first year of motherhood has been drastically different than what I thought it would be. With 2020 quickly coming to a close, every single day I think about the “what ifs” and the “if only” scenarios that haven’t happened this year. I think about the days I imagined strolling the aisles of Hobby Lobby and Target with my son in the cart, enjoying the new sights and noises he was experiencing for the first time. This vision that I imagined has yet to happen, but every day I am reminded how grateful I am for the sweet little boy that I get to call mine – but the reality is, motherhood is tough right now. 

If I’m being honest, this is NOT how I pictured motherhood at all.  I pictured it all so differently.  I pictured my son going to daycare throughout the week, making new friends, being around other people, playing with new toys every day while I was back at work doing what I love. Covid threw everything for a loop, and because of the ‘hard’ decisions we had to make, I always wonder if I’m doing a good job at being a Mom. 

I am being challenged DAILY with decisions I never dreamed would be happening.  I find myself constantly questioning whether I am making the right decisions or if I’m setting us up for a disaster.  It’s hard to not know what is going to happen and how our choices are going to affect us in the future.  I have always been a second guesser, and during this season of life, my mind seems to always be playing tricks on me.  

Although I struggle more often than not regarding daily decisions, I do make sure that I am not being too hard on myself and reassuring myself that everything that is happening right now IS OKAY. The truth is, we are all struggling to get by, and I have to constantly remind myself that it’s not just me, and that there are so many other people who are probably struggling with the same things as I am.  

Being a mom pulls at your heart in a million different ways and it is all so challenging.  But at the end of the day it is also so rewarding.  Braden is officially crawling all over the house, standing and pulling himself up onto everything he can get his hands on, and is learning new things every single day.  My heart has never been more full than when I am watching him grow right before my eyes. Whenever I see his smiling face, that is literally the HIGHLIGHT of my entire day. 

Despite all the happiness and joy I experience on a daily basis, sometimes I find myself thinking about the ways that I am still struggling. AND THAT’S OKAY. It’s not always going to be rainbows and butterflies. Sometimes I have to be realistic and think about the truth. My truth… The truth is that parenting is so rewarding, but it’s also HARD. It’s even harder when all of your initial plans are flipped upside down and you are parenting in ways you never thought you would have to. 

There are so many people struggling in this season of life. I know I am not the only one, and I know I don’t have a terrible life – it’s just a stressful time in life right now. But, during this time I have prioritized my mental health more than I ever have before.  I have realized that it is more important than ever to recognize my feelings of anxiety and sadness, but also celebrate the moments of happiness and joy.  

I always wonder where we would be if this year wasn’t filled with the stress of a global pandemic. But I have always lived my life with the reassurance of knowing that everything happens for a reason, and you are exactly where you are supposed to be in this moment. And right now, in this moment, I am happy, thankful, and blessed beyond my wildest dreams.

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