I Hate Doctor’s Appointments

I wasn’t at the doctors appointment when my mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers. I was living in Tennessee when I received a phone call from my father with our worst fears confirmed. My mother in fact, did have Alzheimers. Since moving back to be closer to family, I have been able to go to the Neurologist as my mothers diagnosis progressed. After all this time, I’ve realized that I Hate Doctor’s Appointments.

I’ve never left a doctor’s appointment with my mother with anything other than bad news.

You don’t leave with hope. You don’t leave with joy. At least, I never have. 

I’ve left my mothers doctors appointments fighting back tears.

I’ve left with more fear than what I originally came with.

I’ve left with pain and heartache.

I’ve left with doubt and anger.

I’ve never left a doctor’s appointment with my mother with anything other than bad news.

With the progression of this disease, they never give you anything positive to look forward to. 

But they do give you things to look for, when going forward.

Naturally, you are going to be looking for signs of a decline.

She is going to stop eating and they are going to have more difficulty remembering

She is going to have difficulty communicating with you

She is probably going to become incontinent and need help with anything functional

They are going to say that her symptoms are normal. And that she is progressing “they way she should”.

I’ve never left a doctor’s appointment with my mother with anything other than bad news.

I anticipate the worst when going into another doctors appointments.

There have been very few changes, but also too many to count at the same time

I want to ask the doctor what to expect next… but there’s never an appropriate answer.

I can tell the doctor wants to be positive, but I know that he knows there isn’t a positive to be found when it comes to this disease

And that’s one of the hardest parts

There is nothing to look forward to.

The symptoms will progress and she will get worse. And all you can do is watch it happen right in front of you.

I’ve never left a doctor’s appointment with my mother with anything other than bad news.

The doctor will always confirm what I already know to be true.

Sometimes I wish he would just lie to me.