The Hardest Thing About My Pregnancy

Everyone will have their own opinion about what they think their hardest part of pregnancy was. Some people might claim that the morning sickness was the worst. Others might say that it was the constant pain. And then some might say that the anxiety they experienced with their health complications was the hardest thing. But for me, the hardest think about pregnancy was the mental battle I faced from day one. This also included the never ending body changes that were happening right before my eyes.

Body Changes

Obviously, watching your body change is hard for anyone (at least I would assume). But for me, I feel like I took this extremely hard. Now, I would like to preface this before I say anymore. Yes I struggled with the way my body was changing. But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t thankful for the little human I had growing inside of me. I know some women out there might think that it is selfish for someone to complain about their body. Because this is something a lot of women pray for forever.

Thinking about how much weight I was going to potentially gain back was a mental battle. This is something I had to work through throughout the majority of my pregnancy. I know there are people that try for years and years to get pregnant and to have a child. My heart goes out to anyone that has to go through that. But my truth is, this pregnancy was in no way shape or form planned. In my perfect world, the plan was to get into the best shape of my life. Then maybe try next year, or even in a few years. I didn’t know when I wanted kids, or if I really wanted them at all. I had just assumed that I wasn’t ready yet, and that I would eventually have those thoughts when I was ready. Whenever that was going to be was the question.

The Immediate Doubt and Shock

When I found out I was pregnant, no one would have ever known. Instead of shouting to the rooftops, and being so extraordinarily happy, I was the exact opposite. I was startled. Anxious. I was extremely taken back, and very unprepared for the whole situation. And let me preface this by saying that these feelings that I was experiencing are COMPLETELY NORMAL. I don’t need anyone to tell me that those feelings were wrong, and that I didn’t deserve to be pregnant. There are people in this world that may be ‘the right age to be a parent’ in YOUR eyes. But that doesn’t mean that they are really ready to do so. The circumstances of when I found out weren’t ideal. And I was not mentally prepared to deal with all of the life changes that were happening. If you are someone reading this and think that my feelings were wrong, I hope that you would click out of this page because the rest of this entry probably won’t make you any happier.

The Never Ending Tears

The truth is, I cried for WEEKS. I cried because of constant nausea and not being able to get off the couch. I cried because of uncertainty – was I even ready to do this? Is this something that I truly wanted? I cried because I had to keep this a secret from my family because it was so early. Not being able to tell my parents? I couldn’t even tell the two people that have wanted to be grandparents for so long? I cried because there were also 3 other major life events that happened within weeks of each other. And none of them were good. Overall, it was too much for me to handle. I had started a new job, and these three MAJOR life events were happening all at once. And there truly was no time for me to be happy or excited. I was COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED.

Finally Some Relief?

Eventually, I did begin to feel excited and happy that I was pregnant. I realized that in 6-7 months I was going to bring a child into this world. Happy, and TERRIFIED all at once. Overall, I can definitely say that my pregnancy was EASY. I had extreme nausea for the first 4+ weeks. I couldn’t go to work and I couldn’t stomach anything other than Gatorade. Although the nausea was TERRIBLE, the hardest part of being pregnant (despite all the mental battles I had to face), was having to see my body change. My body changing after working SO HARD. After finally being able to get to a place were I was comfortable in my own skin, it was going to change again.

Reality vs. Hope

You assume that when you are gaining weight when you are pregnant, you won’t feel as bad as if you were gaining weight for other reasons. But in my opinion, gaining weight being pregnant was a lot harder for me than it would have been for me just gaining weight from eating terrible food. I know what to expect when you eat nothing but junk food. I know how bodies change when you don’t fill them with food that has nutritional value. But with pregnancy, I had no idea what to expect. Was I going to be someone who gained 50+ pounds? Was I going to be someone that worked out every day? (I had hoped so, but that definitely didn’t happen). Was I going to be someone that carried all of their weight in their belly? I wanted so badly to be the pregnant girl who stayed fit for her entire pregnancy. No matter how hard I wanted to, I couldn’t make it happen.

I Couldn’t Get Over My Body Changing

Watching my body change right before my eyes was definitely the hardest part for me. I was always so anxious about how long I could go without having to buy new clothes. Or how long I could go before my favorite pair of jeans didn’t fit. Pregnancy to me was just as much mental, as it was physical. When you have no control over how your body is changing, that’s very tough for someone to swallow. Especially for someone like me, who worked so hard at getting to where I wanted to be. And yet still having further to go.

It Was A Mental Battle

No matter how many times I can say that gaining weight was hard for me, I don’t think anyone will ever truly understand the mental battle. The mental battle I had going on throughout those entire 9 months. I was still fighting all my anxiety and worry pretty much 24/7 for the first 6 months. Not knowing if I was prepared for this. I still didn’t know if I would even be a good mother. This huge change happening in my life was very hard for me. But eventually I had to understand that this change was only temporary. And that when this was all over I was going to have someone in my life that would have all of my unconditional love.

Thankful For A Healthy Pregnancy

I am so grateful that I had such a healthy pregnancy, which included a healthy weight gain and a healthy baby. Through the entire process I can definitely say that if there is a next time, I will be more open to my changing body, and I will not be ashamed of all the mental battles I have to face along the way. It may take some time, and a whole lot of self-care and love, but I know that I will be able to get back to where I was before, and I know I will still be a great mother in the process.

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