There are so many reasons why I’m scared to have another baby. I assume that most people think that after you have your first child, all the worries and fears will go away if you decide to have another. Because why wouldn’t they? You’ve already gone through the process and you should know exactly what to expect. Why would another child bring more fear and worry?

The truth is, I get tearful looking at baby pictures of my son.

I remember the terrifying 9 months of pregnancy.

I remember the stressful and painful labor and delivery.

I remember the overwhelming fear and anxiety during his first year of life.

I remember constantly fearing that my child was going to die any time he was sick.

I remember the loneliness of postpartum anxiety.

I remember losing myself.

As much as I would like to be like every Instagram mom I see online – popping out babies and parenting them like it’s the easiest most fun thing in the world, I definitely don’t see it that way.

Last  week, I had baby fever. I found myself almost excited thinking about having another baby. Yet this week, the anxiety came over me thinking about getting pregnant, having to give birth and going through the newborn stage all over again. 

So this is why I’m scared to have another child

I hated being pregnant

If I could afford a surrogate, having another baby might be a much easier decision for me. I could get over the lack of sleep. If someone could physically carry my child and give birth, I think I would be more on board. Pregnancy wasn’t terrible for me, and I definitely didn’t have a complicated pregnancy in any way. Our son was a huge surprise and I spent most of my pregnancy in tears wondering if I would ever be a good mom. It wasn’t until the last month of my pregnancy where I actually ‘enjoyed’ being pregnant.

My labor and delivery was terrible

I mean it when I say that I had a ton of post-traumatic stress after giving birth. I replayed my labor and delivery over and over again in my head, any time I tried to fall asleep.  My son’s birth was nowhere near dramatic as others that I’ve read online. But I did not expect my labor and delivery to be as traumatic as it was for me. The nurse I had was awful (looking back I wish I would have demanded a new nurse). The pain went from 0-100 almost instantly. I never expected so much pain after birth. The recurring nightmares of my labor and delivery played in my head for months. I had nightmares about what I experienced and swore to myself I would never go through it again. I envy all the mommas that had good experiences. Knowing that my potential one and only labor was the way it was, is very heartbreaking.

My postpartum anxiety was through the roof

I never had postpartum depression. I automatically assumed I would have postpartum depression because I have dealt with depression in the past. Instead, I found myself having severe postpartum anxiety (which I didn’t even know was a thing). Of course having a baby right before a pandemic hit definitely didn’t help my anxiety. Not only did I never get any sleep because of having a newborn, but I found myself awake all hours of the night with the fear that my son was going to stop breathing. The first night he slept through the night I jumped out of bed and ran over to his crib to make sure he was still breathing. I couldn’t (and wouldn’t) leave the house because of covid. Leaving the house was always an overwhelming task.

Lack of sleep

I was more than aware that the amount of sleep we had prior to having our child was going to change. Having a newborn AND dealing with postpartum anxiety, the amount of sleep I got was non-existent. No one ever talked about the anxiety you feel when you are preparing for your nighttime routine. I was always anxious about how much sleep I would be getting that night. This is something I still deal with and dealt with BAD after my son was a year old. He went through his second year of life catching every sickness in the book. Whenever he was sick I would worry the entire evening leading up to his bedtime. I would be rying to mentally prepare myself for the lack of sleep I would be getting that night.

Minimal Help

Giving birth to our son right before a pandemic was ROUGH. At the time we were living in Nashville Tennessee, and our families were 4 hours away in Ohio. We didn’t have any help because of the distance. We weren’t allowing visitors because of Covid. Although we now live closer to family, we would still have minimal help if we decided to have another child. I don’t know if my mental state could handle doing it on our own. I envy those families who have endless amounts of help and can still have weekly date nights with their spouse. Or even some alone time during the week.

Sickness

I always knew before having kids that I did not want to be a stay-at-home mom. Being a stay at home mom for 6 months was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I absolutely HATED it. (No shame to anyone who is a stay-at-home parent, but this simply wasn’t for me). We decided to put our son into daycare after he was a year old, and if we were to have another child, this is a decision we would have to make again. I am not joking when I say our son was sick every single month after he turned a year old because of going to daycare. After just his second day of daycare he caught the flu. He had endless colds, coughs, pink eye, hand foot and mouth, ear infections, etc. You name it, he probably had it at least twice in 2021. The lack of sleep was something I didn’t anticipate when our son was sick. I also had no idea the overwhelming anxiety I would have and the constant fear that my child was going to die.

Cost

The cost of raising a child is absolutely ridiculous. The cost of sending children to daycare is also something I will never understand. Although we could afford to send another child to daycare, I really feel as though waiting until our son is out of daycare and in school is more ideal than spending the money to send two children to daycare.

Jealousy and love

I always wonder if I would be able to give the same amount of love I have for my son to another child. Would never want my son to get jealous if we brought a new baby into this world? My heart physically aches just thinking about being unable to play with our son because I would have to take care of a newborn. I don’t know if my heart could handle it. As our son gets older, I think it would be easier to explain to him the needs of a new baby, and it would be easier to get one-on-one time with him the older he is. 

Final Thoughts

Overall, I go back and forth with wanting to have another child. The biggest (and sometimes only) benefit I see with having another child is giving our son a sibling that he can play with. Although I was an only child, I don’t feel that having a sibling is necessary, but when I watch our son playing with us I can only wonder if he would enjoy having a younger sibling to play with and spend time with as he gets older.

Some days I am 100% ready to try for another baby. This time it would be a planned pregnancy, and maybe I could enjoy it a little more.

Then other days I am 100% never having another baby. I would never have to experience the fear and anxiety with pregnancy/postpartum ever again.

I’m sure one day we will have a decision set in stone about having more kids, but to any momma out there who is on the fence about having more children, just know you aren’t alone. The struggles of motherhood can really overwhelm all the positives sometimes, and that’s okay.

Postpartum Help

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Check out some of my other postpartum blog posts here or some of my other motherhood blog posts here